Saturday, November 28, 2009

People That Matters

We Norwegians just love our Christmas TV-shows! Can't say I've indulged myself in the latest contributions to the genre, mainly because I don't have a functional television, but this year comes one I'm twisting my balls to see. Our very own Espen Hobbesland has in all his sneakiness prepared an alternative Christmas calendar, just for our pleasure.

Jesper: "So Espen, what caused your sudden move into the reindeer-business?"
Espen: "Well Jesper, you know... I've just gotten the details for my home exam, fresh from the typo. There's also this masters degree which I haven't really started yet, and I just felt... What's the word? I felt... You know, like I had to much spare time."
Jesper: "Yeah, I know the feeling. Kind of like why I'm writing this mindlessly long blog post instead of reading for my Italian exam, which I am gonna fail?"
Espen: "Kind of like that."
Jesper: "Right, but what's the deal really? What's this calendar really about? Who is it intended for? What do you gain from it all?"
Espen: "Whoa... That's a lot of questions... I haven't really put that much thought into it you know. Just... Just felt like it. If you know what I mean?"
Jesper: "I sure do. Kind of like why I'm writing this mindlessly long bl..."
Espen: "Yeah yeah, we know! This mindlessly long blog post instead of... Yeah, like that!"
Jesper: "Ok! I'm just trying to make a point here! You don't have to be all snappy about it... But there has got to be some reason why you decided to do this cra..."
Espen: "This what!?"
Jesper: "What?"
Espen: "You were saying what!?"
Jesper: "What?... Me?"
Espen: "Yeah you!"
Jesper: "..."
Espen: "Wha... What is going on here!? Of course you, you dumb testicle!"
Jesper: "Oh... Me!"
Espen: "What the...?"
Jesper: "Oh, I meant nothing. Just, you know... Cra... Cra-cra-cra. Like the bird."
Espen: "...?"
Jesper: "Well! Let us just say that you made the show for all the numb-nuts out there who has, like me, grown tired of those same-disgusting-chocolate-behind-the-hatch-every-fucking-time-calendars! Right? For those interested, just follow the link at the bottom of this post. This is Jesper, and you are watching People That Matters on Paper Garden! Tune in for next weeks show!"
Espen: "F*** **f!"

This turned out rather longer than I expected. Just so you know, everything you just read was purely fictional, with the exception of a few facts. There is going to be a Cristmas TV-show and Espen Hobbesland is the main coordinator. As promised, here is the link:

MedHumRevyens Julekalender 2009

And it really is the best one I've seen in quite a while. I should know, I helped film it. It has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas but it sure is funny. Enjoy!

Laws of the day: Florida

If you intend to have sex in Florida be sure to use the missionary position, as everything else is illegal. You should also be aware that any child that may be conceived during the act cannot be swapped for money. If you tie your elephant to a parking meter you have to pay for it, just like you would with a car. You should also avoid having sexual interaction with hedgehogs.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Totally mad, but beautiful

Same procedure as last year miss Sophie? Same procedure as every year James! This film might not have singing reindeers in it, but it does have dead seagulls. It's produced by the same guys that made the last one, and is equally mad and beautiful. If you feel like it I would recommend a quick skim through their video archive on Vimeo, as it is one quite out of the ordinary.

Laws of the day: Connecticut

In Hartford, the capital of Connecticut, men are prohibited to kiss their wives on Sundays. Pedestrians also risk a solid fine if they try to cross the road on their hands.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Beautiful, but totally mad

This is the wierdest thing I have seen on Vimeo for quite a while. The cinematography is awesome, but the content is just completely off the hook! No meaning at all. Loved it! Just have a look and see if you can get anything logical out of the experience. And press the HD button, I'm not kidding when I say it's beautiful.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Laws of the day: Denver

In Denver it's illegal to borrow your neighbors vacuum cleaner.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I've got mail

You know that swooping sensation rushing through your body when you discover that the biggest envelope in the mailbox actually is for you? A couple of weeks ago this package lay waiting for me in my mum's mailbox, and the swooping still hasn't stopped.

Thank you for the most heartwarming gift ever to find its way into my mum's mailbox. I would also like to delegate a swift kick in the balls to the Norwegian Postal Service, who in spite of thorough instructions on how to handle the package, still managed to break every cookie in the box.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Laws of the day: Arkansas

In Arkansas you are allowed to beat up your wife, but only once a month. However, it's illegal to take your cow for a strawl down the main street after 1pm on sundays.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Laws of the day: Alaska

When it comes to animal protection, no one is more serious than Alaska. For instance, it's illegal to push a moose out of a flying airplane or serve it any kind of alcohol while you're up there. If you wake a bear from its winter hybernation, it is illegal to take a picture, but you're welcome to shoot it. And if you are the proud owner of a flamingo, remember that you can't bring it to the barbershop.

Pretty sick aquarium

Remember to watch this beauty in high definition and full screen mode, as it boosts the viewing experience considerably. If that's not possible in my embedded version of the film, try watching the original on Vimeo.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Laws of the day: Alabama

In Alabama it's illegal to open an umbrella in the streets, as it might scare the horses. You are however allowed to drive the wrong way up a one-way street, as long as you have a lantern attached to your bumper. It's also illegal to drive blindfolded. And if you go to the city of Anniston, you're forbidden to wear blue jeans when you walk up Noble Street.

Tribute to nature

Only in America

During an uneventful game of cards the other day, my cousin casually mentioned that in Alaska you are forbidden by law to throw a moose out of a flying airplane. I found this mildly interesting and decided too look it up on the world wide web. As it turned out, not only are you forbidden to throw that stray moose out of your airplane, you also risk imprisonment if you try serving it alcohol of any kind. And that was just two out of a million hilarious laws from every state in the USA. Here are some more:

In Chicago it's forbidden to fish from the back of a giraffe. In Arkansas you are allowed to beat up your wife, but only once a month. If you are planning to colour your ducklings black and sell them in Kentucky, be aware that they have to be sold in sixpacks. In West Virginia it's illegal to whistle under water. If you plan to commit an act of crime in Texas, you have to notice your victims 24 hours ahead, verbally or in writing, and tell them whats coming. You are also forbidden to own or use more than six dildos.

There is heaps more where this came from and I will keep posting them, but now I have a party to attend. I must be hasty. Shadowfax!

Candy revolution!

There has been a candy revolution! The best of the best has just gotten even better. 80 kilograms better to be precise. Jesus, I am robbed for words... This stuff will make my summer! Or what's left of it anyway.

Just look at this sweetness, or should I say sourness? I return from the other side of the world, not knowing that on a gas station, not 200 meters from the airport, lies a secret that will knock me off my feet. Why haven't anyone told me about this? Has it been in the shelves for long? It might have been released just days after I left Norway in the first place. Oh, those who knew...

For those who do not know or have not tasted, I truly feel sorry for you. This is the best of the best. The sourest of the sourest. The mother of all candy. And it has just been upgraded to maximize the tooth ace experience in a mouth near you!

Saturday, August 15, 2009


My grandma and grandpa, who after 60 years of marriage still behave like they fell in love yesterday. Sometimes love actually lasts forever. I find that an encouraging thought.

Happy Diamond anniversary. I love you both.

Monday, June 8, 2009

One to watch

As it turns out, I'm not the only one making art house films in this household. Check out the epic visual music pieces of my two flat mates, Bendik and Maria, for a truly epic experience. Back home we might be just some other regular students, but down here we're extraordinary.

Remember to toggle the HD button for maximum pleasure, and leave a freaking comment! You know, we artists like to get our work acknowledged by the audience, or our friends if we have some.

Just Colour

I did it! The editing job from hell is finally over, and it's looking pretty darn good if I can say so myself. It might be a bit on the experimental side fore some of you guys, but I hope everyone can appreciate the countless hours of pure hysteria I've been through to get this shit done. After the abnormal amount of incomprehensible computer errors it's a fucking miracle that our living room furniture is still intact. Well, here it is!

I might just add that I've had approximately 5 hours of sleep in the last 86 hours of my life. The remaining 81 I've spent pushing a minuscule flower millimeter by millimeter across impossible surfaces.

Jesper: "Did it move?"
Bendik: "No."
Jesper: "How about now?"
Bendik: "No."
Jesper: "Now?"
Bendik: "Wow, too far!"
Jesper: "What? I barely touched it!"
Bendik: "Just bend it back a little."
Jesper: "Fuck! Like this...? Woops, I touched the bookshelf!"
Bendik: "Let's just start over, shall we?"

In some miraculous way, this chaos turned out to become a rather good stop motion animation film. We still have some small adjustments to do before it's ready for the world wide web, but I'll smack up a post as soon as the deliciousness is viewable. Yup, now there's just those two analysis due by tomorrow, and Bob's your uncle!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Deadline approaces

Yups! Once again, it's editing time. And, as it should, Deadline is standing on the porch dressed in a black cloak with his scythe ready for a swift beheading, should it come to that. With only 24 hours to go I am up to my neck in 134 video tracks, 7 hours of rendering and 5 hours of exporting.

The rendering is definitely the worst part. Just sitting there, unable to do anything but watch and wait for an epic workload that's getting bigger by the minute. It doesn't help that the software keeps crashing every freaking second ether! To quote my beloved lecturer Stan Jones: "The computers are against us". Things are looking grim indeed, so I'm just gonna make myself a nice cup of tea and do a crossword... Yeah right!

Face hidden in the shadows cast by the hood, fingers longingly stroking the shaft of its scythe, Deadline is tingling with anticipation.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Døden bak styret

Litt morsom overskrift der altså. Et lite selvkritisk punkt er kanskje at den er litt snever, sett at en korrekt tolkning krever en hviss mengde bakgrunns kunnskap om populære sykkelmerker på 90-tallet. Overskriften refererer altså til et barns tolkning av initialene DBS. Jeg var selv den stolte eier av en DBS Intruder i min glade barndom. Min gode kamerat Tormod kan jeg erindre syklet runt på en god gammel Penetrator, et ganske obskønt navn på en barnesykkel nå når en tenker tibake på det. Tror de har gått ut av produksjon.

Verden har forandret seg siden den gang. Ordet sykkeltur gir meg bilder av lange flate landskap som tilbakelegges på et rosa framkomstmiddel med en egen kurv for nistepakken. Bendik er tydeligvis av en annen oppfatning...

"Jeg har det! Hva om vi skrur av den kurven og dekker til rosafargen med noe blått? Så kan vi legge til 20 kilo med karbon-ditt og nano-datt, ta den med til toppen av et fjell og se hvem som treffer minst trær på vei ned!"

"Ja! Og hvis vi i tillegg velger ei løype hvor underlaget kun er løs jord og barnåler er det kun ren tilfeldighet hvem som faktisk overlever turen!"

"Wohoo! Sistemann ned må hente likene!"

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Påsken, del 3: Internet access card

Wrooom! Brems! Rangle rangle! Klikk! Swoop! Klikk! Swoop! Klikk... Klikk... Klikk-klikk-klikk-klikk-klikk... Hælvette! Klikk-klikk-klikk-klikk-klikk-klikk-klikk-swoop! Ahh! Åpne! Smack!

Charioten står trygt parkert utenfor noen merkelige hytter et sted på vestkysten. Navnet på stedet er gått i glemmeboken. Kanskje var det Westport, eller muligens Port West, Westham, Portsmouth eller New Plymouth? Hvem vet og hvem har lov til å vite? Bartepatruljen er uansett ute på heisanntur og det er på tide med en høneblund.

Av jord er du kommet, til jord skal du bli. Mulig det gikk litt fort i svingene da vaskehjelpen skulle preppe rommet vårt for kvelden.

Med guds ord friskt i minne er vi tilbake på veien igjen. Wrooom, brems, swiiing og alt det der. Sørøya blir bare vakrere for hver kilometer Charioten legger bak seg, i en moderat mengde eksos faktisk. Sagt med andre ord, i tilfelle Helge Østby skulle lese bloggen min, estetikk og breddegrader er avhengige variabler her nede i sør. Det er også mye dyreliv å se langs veikanten, om ikke så variabelt. Det går for det meste i maltrakterte pungrotter, men en sjelden ørn er snadder for øyet.

Nei, de er faktisk ikke så sjeldne. Når sant skal sies vet jeg ikke en gang om det er ørn. Falk, hauk, flamingo eller kråke, de er uansett et friskt pust i en verden av sprengte possums (det engelske ordet for pungrotte).

Charioten ruller videre langs New Zealands krunglete vestkyst. Frisk sjøluft svirvler inn gjennom de åpne vinduene og fyller våre eventyrlystne hjerter med... Ja, eventyrlyst. Hump! Woops! Nok et kadaver. Neida. Joda. Målet for dagen er å nå Pancake Rocks mens det ennå er høyvann, eller sprengflo om du vil. Lokale indianere med tattoverte ansikter sier det er den beste tiden å oppleve fenomenet på. Vi vet ikke helt hva fenomenet er, men håper det kommer med blåbærsyltetøy.

Linsa er dekket av saltsprøyt i det vi hopper fornøyd tilbake til Charioten. Det ble ikke noe syltetøy, men hu hei det var litt av en snodig plass. Jeg tror pannekakereferansen lå i de merkelige steinformasjonene, men sannelig om jeg er sikker. Hansi, vår private geolog, mumlet noe om jordsmonnsprøver og kontinentalplateforskyvning, men oppmerksomheten min var mer rettet mot apeformede steiner og plutselige brøl fra skjulte blowholes.

Vi er igjen ute på livets landevei, denne gangen med Mt. Cook i horisonten. Medieforeningen, det vil si Maria og jeg, har store planer om å nå foten av New Zealands høyeste fjell i det sola slikker horisonten for en fabelaktig fotoshoot. Wrooom, you know the rest.

Trodde ikke det lå i New Zealand, men det er mulig jeg tar feil.

Å komme seg fra a til b på sørøya er lettere sagt enn gjort. Tjue stopp og seks tusen bilder senere er sola allerede på vei ned og media crewet er stresset på grensa til truseskvetting. Mt. Cook lurer borte i horisonten, men vi har siktet oss inn på en utkikksplass fem kilometer lenger borte en det vi først hadde trodd. Som en liten bonus finner jeg akkurat ut at den splitter nye lua mi ble lagt igjen på den stygge cafeen ved Pancake Rocks, hvor vi spiste en fæl is som jeg kastet halvveis ned i kjeksen. Det blir tid til å sutre over det senere, noe både Maria og Hansi kan skrive under på at jeg gjorde.

Shift! Tredje! Wrooom! Shift! Fjerde! Femte! Feil vei! Whiiin! 180 km/t! Wræææææl! En elg! Oæææ! Nei, vi e på New Zealand! Å ja! Host! Stopp! Knips-knips-knips-knips-knips-knips!

Vi rekker det på et tynt rompehår og får skutt noen av turens vakreste bilder. New Zealands høyeste fjelltopper springer plutselig opp fra et ellers paddeflatt landskap og kaster lange skygger i fullmånens iskalde skinn. Høyest av dem alle rager Mt. Cook, med sine 3754 stolte meter over havflaten. Med snødekket krone og blikket mot nord-vest speider det ut over den flate horisonten. Over Australias golde landskap farer blikket, og videre forbi langstrakte hav hvor øyrekker ligger som perler på en snor, regntunge skoger og tørste ørkenlandskap, olivenplantasjer og vingårder, før det til slutt hviler ved et patetisk lite skue kalt Himmelbjerget.

Omsider er alle filmruller tomme og minnekort fulle. Fornøyde sumler vi oss inn til Fox Glacier, et lite tettsted ved foten av fjellrekken med to resturanter og hundre-og-ørten helikopter selskap, for å få oss en etterlengtet matbit. En uggen laksepizza senere og vi vil sjekke internett, så Maria speider området etter nettkafeer mens jeg og Hansi holder fortet (Charioten). Ikke to sekunder etter kommer hun tilbake for å formidle sitt budskap:

Maria: "Internet access card."
Hansi: "Hæ?"
Jesper: "Hæ?"
Maria: "Internet access card."
Hansi: "Hæ? Forstår du hva hun sier?"
Jesper: "Nei. Maria, det mangle liksom nå vesentlig ledd i den setningen."
Maria: "Internet access card!"

Det er ikke alltid så lett å være halvt Hardangring og halvt Italiensk. At man attpåtil er veldig kald og prøver å kommunisere med en halvdøv trønder og en fnisete kristansander gjør ikke sitasjonen lettere. Du er unnskyldt Maria. Vi får i alle fall ladet opp mobiler og annen teknisk sjit før vi tar Charioten ut til en suspekt parkeringsplass og slagern for natta.

Neste morgen er like frisk og vakker som den forrige, og den før der, og den før der, så vi står opp med gulefjes og pakker snippveska for nye eventyr. Lite visste vi at dette kom til a skje...

Ganske snasne greier? Bare si ja... Så med noen episke fotografier av fjell og spindelvev takker jeg for tredje del av påskekrimmen og ønsker på snarlig gjensyn. Jeg har like liten peiling som dere hva neste nummer vil ta for seg, men jeg håper det blir noe om Ringenes Herre. Det hadde vært spennende! Kanskje også noe om Dissimilis, det er jo alltid et sikkerstikk. Jaja, hva enn det blir kommer det ikke med det første. Tap! Scroll! Click! Post!